Second update today and if anything it's dodgier than the last one. I wrote the following two pieces of text for testing purposes when I was rebuilding my site and the database thing a few months ago. Also, I was very depressed and upset and stuff. I apologise for their content but people were asking to see them.
14/1/2003 20:00 - omg
I fell asleep and dreamed about having broken a vase before waking up and trying to clear it up while being shouted at by an unknown authority figure and I've cut myself and my hand is full of glass and I can't see what I'm doing because I can't hold my eyes open because I'm still asleep but the anonymous figure doesn't care and just wants it cleared up and there's shouting so much shouting then I'm at school and for some reason everyone having been swimming and still very wet has to take a box full of horrible insects home and my box comes open and I'm trying to get these insects back in the box but they're all over me and I'm being shouted at again and no-one's helping me everyone's either just left or is laughing at me and I'm crying "why is this happening to me what have I done"... and then I wake up and Ros is standing in my room and it's 5:30pm and I've been having this nightmare like all afternoon and I'm so upset I can't eat anything for hours or sleep at all again until tomorrow morning and I have dreams like this every time I take a nap or anything I can't stay asleep for long and all I can conclude is that my subconscious is torturing me because it really, really hates me I think I'm in hell I hate my life and also all my friends and I wish they'd go away and leave me alone because pretending to care does not help at all because whether or not you do I can't believe that you do because I mean why would you I am a horrible person and I don't care about you and so I think you're lying just for comedy value or whatever and it makes me angry so leave me alone leave me alone why won't you all go away and stop caring about me just leave me alone I hate you go away leave me alone
15/1/2003 08:00 - don't read this
I have stayed up all night because I was too wide awake to even bother trying to go to sleep and anyway I was almost afraid to I hate my dreams even though it's unlikely something like that will happen again for at least three days also I got into doing this CSS shit even though getting it to do exactly what you want it to do is harder than getting a woman to do exactly what you want her to do for example let you sleep with her and then actually act like something other than a recently deceased corpse while you're doing it because how else are you supposed to know if you're doing it right especially when later you find out she's done it six times with some guy in a week when you know the length of time it took you to do it six times with her was four damn months it doesn't say much about your sexual prowess and doesn't that guy like to tell you so and she was saying for ages how I should trust her and then when she didn't want to do it any more she said it was because it was causing lots of trouble with her friends and it wasn't anything to do with you and then this happens and you feel angry that you ever let yourself trust someone and how whenever humanity throws you a bone you find out too late that it is poisoned and then when she phones you up wondering why you pulled that little running away stunt and why you were so angry you can tell her to stop acting like she cares and go away and leave you alone because you've decided you don't want anything to do with any of your friends any more and she wonders why well there you go that is why
Talk about angsty e/n bullcrap, oh well. All I can say to explain this is that sometimes the part of my brain that hates me gets something that it can use against me and which is too powerful for me to defend myself against. Furthermore, it was written having had no sleep and it was pretty, you know, automatic, I was just typing and not really thinking about it. Imagine.
Oh by the way before anyone starts emailing me about this, it was three months ago and I feel better now, okay? The important bits were talked out and now it's all good. I think. Just like I say, some people wanted to see part of it and I published the whole thing and it was really therapeutic.